“…and one day i will grow and change out of the person i am now [that] i know so deeply, with my remnants of joys and tears, love unrequited and unspoken of: painful and bittersweet; or beautiful, profound and fulfilling.

one day, love won’t be the reason I live. and on that day that i decide to revisit these feelings, they won’t be there anymore.”

12:27pm, 4th april 2004

mum sent word the other day that grandpa was getting more ill, and i thought back of my time spent with him with much love and respect, knowing that he will be at a better place if he goes. i was glad that i wasn’t upset or in crisis, cause after all i understood the human condition. i knew that we live in a fallen world. if he goes, i knew that our loss would be no greater than the many who pass each day.

and it’s today that i painfully realize that i no longer feel as deeply as i used to.

i can only vaguely remember back when my blog was not merely a gig guide. writing was my necessary release. i felt much more deeply, loved much more beautifully, lost much more painfully. i wrote and felt with that necessary intensity.

surely i would’ve responded to this news very differently then. i probably would have painfully struggled as i considered the fragility and futility of human life, given much time and though to make some sense of my turmoil; and hopefully, come to appreciate a beautiful, profound meaning at the end of the tunnel.

and so today, many years later, i realise that this ‘strength’ i was so proud to have came at a hefty price. i’m not sure now if it’s any strength at all.

i quietly contemplate and search my heart, for who i used to be. but even if he is still somewhere in there, i wouldn’t know if it’s worth paying that cost of being fragile again.

maybe it isn’t? it’s safer after all.

not my area (obviously), but this is still an interesting read. heheh!

also, eating slower and in smaller portions like the french helps you live longer and stay slim!

so maybe if you just had (oleh’s lousy) indomie for supper and you’re not yet satisfied, maybe shouldn’t order the burger or the chicken rice. i used to have all 3.

or, you could hop to misais. yum.

after some thinking, i realize why last semester’s studies was so difficult for me; it’s that in spite of all the things i love and enjoy about conducting, i couldn’t accept that it’s ok for people to treat us like crap! even though these precious people are few and far between - critics, musicians, tutors, etc jackasses.

ironically, the friends who are kindest are other conductors who compete with me. i guess they can sympathise.

i’ve been reminded many times that conductors cannot want to be liked, i think i finally understand now. cause regardless of your ability, you will have to face the music (pun). conclusion is, i must learn to savor the position of having people want to oppress us.

so bring it on! but watch your backs after.

today i’ll bring some music out to study in the afternoon, renew my lease for the apartment (boring), and collect a suit jacket which i sent in to have the sleeves shortened; standing in for raymond again on saturday for vyso rehearsal.

justin, a friend studying in sae needs some material for his portfolio so i’m going in the studio next week to track my material. it’s about time isn’t it! have a few new pedals to toy around with so it should be fun. also, looking forward to playing in a duo with kevin/brokenscar here in melboune on aug 2; will keep you posted.

had a chat with mark shiell, one of my conducting mentors, at st petersburg briefly describing what he has learnt in the week-long masterclass. can’t wait for this semester to end, and finally plan for russia.

there’s a massive amount of repertoire to cover next semester: act 2 of mozart’s marriage of figaro for 2 weeks, followed by a brahms and a tchaikovsky symphony each week. i heard that conducting students only focus on 1 movement a week in sibelius akademie so they get it right. hope this won’t be a waste of time..

will make it a point to write something here everyday to jog my brain a little, because having sooo much time to myself can be terribly uninspiring! i need to make the most out of it. (: